I’ve felt guilt to feel happy for so long that it’s hard to be and stay happy anymore

Have you ever felt guilt because you had some glimpses of happiness and joy for a time being?

I have.

Actually, I have been trying to push the feeling away because of the despairing echoes of loneliness for so long I can’t even remember how to stay truly happy and joyful for good.

How can I regain control over my happiness?

Am I even worthy to be happy?

Unexpectedly, I found myself imbalanced no matter how much I’d thought I knew how to balance things out. I’m an emotional guy, God made me like this and I never give in to the pit of darkness. Well, not for long. Or at least I know how to ask for help to get out… or I’d thought that’s how I was around in life… it turns out I wasn’t…

So, does that mean I’ve become broken?

Yes.

Took time not to hide it from myself. Took long enough.

What is the takeaway?

Maybe there is none.

Maybe that’s I’m still a human, an immature one, on the way of growth.

But it’s still freaking lonely to keep embracing this distance and not daring to enjoy the warmth of joy, peace and happiness.

I must try, I must keep trying on to shed the shellfragments of loneliness and brokenness, fear of abandonment and the constant present of the past. All the guilt of it.

It’s not on me, it’s not on anyone.

I’m worthy, I was given to give, I’m blessed to bless.

I have shine in me.

I have shine in me.

 

 

Joshua Dragon

I am a pastor. Hurt. Lost. Still rejoicing in God.

2020 is for sharp vision, see, it’s 20/20. It all depends how you look at life and Nature.

For me, it’s being eternally grateful, trying to be resilient, keep tranquility amidst the storms, evolving, uplifting and encouraging others.

Basically, change the pain, turn it, convert it into creative, positive action, art. Create a chance, show a path for those behind the rainbow. All the neglected, broken, abandoned ones. The ones with shattered hearts.

Only one can make real, meaningful changes in one’s life.

No one else.

 

I’ve just turned to 44. How many years left? I need to live well this time ahead, make every second count on Earth.

God called me when I was 10, but He was with me all time before.

Not that I haven’t had my curvy roads.

Yet, He has helped me, shaped me into who I am and who I can still become.

 

Gratitude.

For the pain, for the brokenness, for the bonemarrow aching grief.

My True Father says, I should recreate Heaven not somewhere else, but turn Hell here into Heaven, that’s the true restoration, that’s what Heavenly Parent has been working on with us.

How right He is!

It’s hard to recall if there has been a single person who wouldn’t have been attracted to God’s light and truth through me and would have actually be interested in how I am doing.

I am OK with that, that’s the beauty of it, being completely ready to pass God’s word to the ones in need.

 

Being left by the wife of 20+ years, being cheated on, called on names and treated as nobody’s dog, shattering all the hope and light – that came unexpected.

I had to learn I can’t take away others’ own part of responsibility no matter how much I wish.

God hasn’t made us to be robots. That simple it is.

Yet, we are living quite often as ignorant, malfunctioning robots. Likeminded zombies.

I know, this is God’s love and trust that I can bear and overcome it.

Still, it took a long time to accept, I am a good person after all – Satan wants us to feel isolated and alone. God is in togetherness.

God is in togetherness.

 

The strongest prayer I ever had was when my son was dying.

Heavenly Father accepted my offering and I’ve never held anything back ever since then.

Poured out every ounce of energy every day, earnestly living for others.

Now, most of the times I sing in my prayers.

When the pain becomes overwhelming, words can’t be formed, my soul only can sing. I learned it from others who went through the unexplainable. Like surviving the genocide in Rwuanda. Still trusting in God, still fighting with unrighteously caused hurt. God helped me to learn this and I’m grateful for this, too.

I am grateful for so many things.

I am grateful for everything.

 

I have never wanted to accept we are all meant to be alone at the end – despite the world’s best efforts to convince us.

But I can’t see how it will turn out.

I feel trapped and in many aspects I am. That is also the trust God can give: a chance to grow by doing something unprecedent, unimaginable.

Wouldn’t call it faith, though.

It’s a fact. Knowledge. Truth in my core.

God has never been in the books. He has always been in the life of those who acted upon their conscience. The ones who accepted without any conditions. The pure hearted ones.

 

I’m still wearing my Blessing ring.

It’s the symbol of my promise to God about me not giving up.

Just it hurts miserably.

For sure, it’s beyond every logic – but it’s a path to follow Jesus, it’s a path to pave for others, to have their life easier. It’s for my children and my spiritual children, too.

Can I be abundantly happy evermore?

Not sure.

On the one hand, I am successful and accepted in almost every aspects in life – except the conjugal relationship.

It’s a contradiction: Heaven is formed in pairs.

So, can a pastor date?

Sure. The world is a big place, seen tons of things.

Can this pastor date?

Nope. He made a promise to God.

Does it hurt?

Yes.

Makes sense?

In a way absolutely no.

Still, it’s a rejoice in Heavenly Parent.

 

 

Be Blessed and Wise!

 

 

Joshua Dragon

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