The man was a young boy once, and immersed himself in all what others. He played Star Wars with school-desks made Millenium Falcon, where he always wanted rather to be Luke than Chewbacca or at least Han. He used to push bugs and looked at them, bought flowers because it was told to be the way for asking a classmate out at the age of six. Sometimes he roamed around protected whom he thought had to be.
Also, he was wandering in the endless walls of a burdened world. He started to see the cracking in his nightmares which he thought to be normal dreams, which only turned out to be different with others.
He used to be scared and frightened by nukes and early, unrighteous endings of the world he only knew from books, music and later rare TV and movies. For him the muppets were as close as…
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(from the upcoming book: God is Within)
There was always a sadness around God. I couldn’t describe it in the beginning, however, thinking back, He was never thunderously joyful. Maybe it was me or just the world around – He never actually laughed and brought the eternal rainbow. It was only me who painted the sky…
In my long awakening -and falling asleep periods- I studied a lot about Him. Mind-travelled to East, South, North and West, thin air and ancient wisdom. It looked every culture had a different entity to respect, fear, adore, praise, love, hate. Some others seemed to understand a little and added their own ideas or agendas to fill the gaps, declaring a ‘truth’, benefitting their own purposes or hiding their vanity, or lack.
I kept trying to fit my experiences to churches, denominations, cults, even theists. Although, practical questions such as UFOs, poverty, cruelty…
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I am often asked why I’m so different or bigot or just simply, why I do not lead a life like any other.
For a long while, I always started to explain, reason, give insights to share my understanding, being always polite, listening and only later respond. However, all these ended up with the unpleasant feeling of not being heard, listened, cared. It took time I realized, most of the conversations were one-sided, nobody was really curious about my response. As I grew, I learned and experienced: for everything a mutual give and receive pattern is necessary…
I am firm in my faith. To be blunt, I do not believe. I know.
I was called by God, in several ways, although, in the midst of the spiritual growing plenty of times I missed the guidance, skipped the boat of fortune and was stubborn in selfishly vain. Whenever I was asked…
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A new chapter from the upcoming book God is Within has been published.
Read Giving Everything, a candid, real sharing.
May Heavenly Parent’s Blessing Be Upon on You!
I failed my resurrection, many times.
Just now, as it was this night, a long-prepared chance to grow and change for the better side – it’s gone. It’s not the first, I missed my opportunity and pulled someone, a most beloved one, back to the mud of fallen life.
I feel I betrayed God and all the good spirits who started to trust again, believe in me, again, step by step, during the last period, since the last failure. It is always harder and harder for them, to rely on me freely, after each disappointment.
It is easy to say after, just a little, even less than last time was missing for the success. Still, a 99% cannot be offered to Heavenly Father. His realm starts when we fulfill our own part 100%. When I fulfill.
I’m sure, He knows it very well, what a tremendous battle is inside these times, He has already taught me knowledge and wisdom through others. I cannot make excuses. I lost my head, mindset and attitude. I just wanted to be happy, I just wanted everything at once, I just wanted to enjoy and melt into, maybe through the old ways a bit.
Desires are not bad. Passion is not bad. Doing something for me I asking is not bad. Balance. Extreme desires, lust and selfishness are far from God. Out of His ideal. Immature existence with misused knowledge and practice can not belong to the direct realm of Heavenly Father. Being clever after us not enough.
It is true, not God will judge us but ourselves. Now, with clearer mindset, I clearly can point out sine wrongdoings, felt like deadly sins. And if life is with God, then being without Him is death, agony. I pushed Him away, caused Him pain and misused His love, trust.
What can I do?
I said sorry, asked for forgiveness – neither of them could change the feeling of being fallen, again. Like living and seeing the past history, I’m the wrong side, the distance from Heaven, the Heart and Bosom of God is indescribable pain. I paid His love with grief.
We know more about Heavenly Father, ideal world, creation, salvation than any who lived before us. Here, today, I was unable to uphold to basic law of the Universe, the living for the sake of others. I wanted to feel more, knowing ‘I was right’ – and failed. Despite all the techniques and tactics I let my emotions, immature emotions overcome the Word in me.
I know, life will go on, possibly with many other chances to grow and love, maybe to do things better. Yet the pain I caused feels eternal, and doesn’t go away.
Step by step, brick by brick, after each and every prayer and valuable, God-level-resembling deed it can be better, will be better.
I’m sorry, Heavenly Father, I’m truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time, I wish You could trust me, again, soon, now. I wish You could stay and find a place in me to dwell, a spotless, bright, eternal, true part in me.
Please, forgive me, Heavenly Father!
I failed. I want to make it better. Please, try to trust and believe in me, I can do it better, I will try again, and I will make it, I promise You. Please, forgive me!
(from my book: God is Within)