I’ve felt guilt to feel happy for so long that it’s hard to be and stay happy anymore

Have you ever felt guilt because you had some glimpses of happiness and joy for a time being?

I have.

Actually, I have been trying to push the feeling away because of the despairing echoes of loneliness for so long I can’t even remember how to stay truly happy and joyful for good.

How can I regain control over my happiness?

Am I even worthy to be happy?

Unexpectedly, I found myself imbalanced no matter how much I’d thought I knew how to balance things out. I’m an emotional guy, God made me like this and I never give in to the pit of darkness. Well, not for long. Or at least I know how to ask for help to get out… or I’d thought that’s how I was around in life… it turns out I wasn’t…

So, does that mean I’ve become broken?

Yes.

Took time not to hide it from myself. Took long enough.

What is the takeaway?

Maybe there is none.

Maybe that’s I’m still a human, an immature one, on the way of growth.

But it’s still freaking lonely to keep embracing this distance and not daring to enjoy the warmth of joy, peace and happiness.

I must try, I must keep trying on to shed the shellfragments of loneliness and brokenness, fear of abandonment and the constant present of the past. All the guilt of it.

It’s not on me, it’s not on anyone.

I’m worthy, I was given to give, I’m blessed to bless.

I have shine in me.

I have shine in me.

 

 

Joshua Dragon

You never wanted me

You never wanted me

Just my illusion

A painted shade

On the wall of lovers

 

Our game was meant to be life

We took it too seriously

And went too far

By now separately

 

Words cannot be trusted

There is no more wisdom to earn

Mistaken patience paralyzed

And stopped us to grow

 

Togetherness is an ideal

Not meant to be reached

For those who are abandoned

And live in broken dreams

 

I’m relieving to take a breath

That’s all I have left

Enough to be a good man

And find a kind of happiness

 

 

Joshua Dragon

remember the good times

remember the good times

remember the holy ground

where we stood and stayed

danced and kissed

through the night

 

remember the good times

but

all the years are gone now

remember the good times

but you

never said why you left

remember the good times

how we dreamt and yet survived

and

how we broke everything

what was nice and so dear

now we know every pain

 

all the nights and all the days

I’m just a wanderer in a desert

what’s my fate and indemnity

nobody knows, nobody knows

all the nights and all the days

I’m just a wanderer in a desert

what’s my fate and indemnity

nobody knows me, nobody knows me

 

 

Joshua Dragon

You are complete in God’s heart

No matter where you were born

No matter how you have lived

No matter whether you’ve lost

No matter if you ever win

 

No matter what was your path

No matter if you’re left behind

No matter when you gave up

No matter if you’re still stuck

 

Since

 

You are never alone in this journey

even it’s hard to pass

the desert you are in

and you feel there in noone to invite you in

 

It is okey to be broken

it is okey to feel down

it is okey to cry

and it is okey to shout

 

Because

 

God chose you for a reason

even if you can’t see it

You are one and only

unrepeated and unique

 

Everything what you missed

can be found now

You are complete

in God’s Heart

 

Love yourself as much as He loves you

 

 

Joshua Dragon

Drifting

There is a black hole in me

Without singularity

Fragments of life

Say me goodbye

Unreliable memories

Drifting in space

Who could be

You

Wasted me

I can’t embrace

The dead

Any more

Where would you be

If I were still alive

For you

Where would you be

If I were still there

I cannot be

The scent of your garden

Is broken history

 
I’m lonely and lost

I have everything I don’t need

 

 

Joshua Dragon

(from the “Break-up Therapy”)

Anyone to talk to is You, God

Anyone to talk to is You, God

 

All the deaf and selfish

and all the caring are asleep

leaving the ones in need

leaving me in need

of talking

sharing and

bonding

of feeling to be related

and connected

You are the only one, who is awake

 

You gave me life

and let me find my purpose

which has never been so easy

but I could wear off the selfishness

in a rough path

so I could be more like You

at least

try

 

Nobody has ever longed for me

as much as You, Father

not for Yourself, but for me

and that love is strange

still unusual

in this life

 

There is noone else at this vigil

You are the only one who listens

and hear me out

and I wish I could love You more

but this is all I can do

trying to grow

and be more mature

 

Anyone to talk to is You, God

there is noone else awake this time of the night

nor in my life

my heart is invisible for the world

I matter the most to You

I know

 

For some, I am like You

Father

guiding light

brother

through all the challenges

 

I can love You more, Father

as I’m evolving

this way

 

Anyone to talk to is You, God

 

 

Joshua Dragon

I know that you never loved me

I know that you never loved me

You never knew how to love

Truly

How could you give

What never been yours

 

Just and unconcious mind

And a sometimes shining heart

That’s what we were

To each other

 

We took more than we gave

Because we needed to

Survive

Since we never knew how to live

Just to be images

Of a shattered vision

 

Surrogates to our true selves

Which we were hiding

That’s what we were

Expected images

Of the life around

 

I know that you never loved me

You never knew how to love

Truly

I’m just praying these days

For you to recognize

 

 

Joshua Dragon

It was over before I realized

It was over

Before I realized

How much I miss

From love and the world

Without her

 

Then God visited me

In different forms

And tried to lead me

In different ways

 

As I was blind

Dead and mute

It took a long while

To see myself

As a son of His

 

Even now it is hard

To believe

That He loves me

Unconditionally

 

I can be happy

By myself I know

It won’t be perfect

But I am not alone

 

Heavenly Parent

Is watching over me

 

 

Joshua Dragon

Loosing friends

It still hurts when I realize how far we are from each other with a friend who would be a real one.

You know, when you don’t even think of how great this what you have is, because you feel it is eternal and everything will be as it is.

And then it’s not.

Hard to find the point when the change starts to happen and then, all of a sudden, you know you are not there where you used to be. Not any more.

And it hurts, hurts a lot.

Where have the good days gone?

You never know. They are just gone.

And you feel the loneliness. The emptiness echoing.

And there is only God to talk.

God who has always been there waiting for you. And now, He is waiting for you to say a word. To say anything.

And there is nothing you can tell Him.

It happens you are empty. There is a void when you understand your real friend is just not that person whom you were thinking as a friend.

Still, God is there.

My friend has been silently waiting for me.

My friend, who has always been there for me. And it was me who became distant. The one who did not respond for His calling.

And still He is here for me.

God still wants to be my friend. Despite I abandoned Him. Despite how I thought we were good when we were not. Despite everything, God is still there.

God is still within.

What am I going to tell Him?

 

 

Joshua Dragon

 

(from my upcoming book: God is Still Within)

 

you can also read: Rebirth – Again and Rebirth is needed here

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