I am a pastor. Hurt. Lost. Still rejoicing in God.

2020 is for sharp vision, see, it’s 20/20. It all depends how you look at life and Nature.

For me, it’s being eternally grateful, trying to be resilient, keep tranquility amidst the storms, evolving, uplifting and encouraging others.

Basically, change the pain, turn it, convert it into creative, positive action, art. Create a chance, show a path for those behind the rainbow. All the neglected, broken, abandoned ones. The ones with shattered hearts.

Only one can make real, meaningful changes in one’s life.

No one else.

 

I’ve just turned to 44. How many years left? I need to live well this time ahead, make every second count on Earth.

God called me when I was 10, but He was with me all time before.

Not that I haven’t had my curvy roads.

Yet, He has helped me, shaped me into who I am and who I can still become.

 

Gratitude.

For the pain, for the brokenness, for the bonemarrow aching grief.

My True Father says, I should recreate Heaven not somewhere else, but turn Hell here into Heaven, that’s the true restoration, that’s what Heavenly Parent has been working on with us.

How right He is!

It’s hard to recall if there has been a single person who wouldn’t have been attracted to God’s light and truth through me and would have actually be interested in how I am doing.

I am OK with that, that’s the beauty of it, being completely ready to pass God’s word to the ones in need.

 

Being left by the wife of 20+ years, being cheated on, called on names and treated as nobody’s dog, shattering all the hope and light – that came unexpected.

I had to learn I can’t take away others’ own part of responsibility no matter how much I wish.

God hasn’t made us to be robots. That simple it is.

Yet, we are living quite often as ignorant, malfunctioning robots. Likeminded zombies.

I know, this is God’s love and trust that I can bear and overcome it.

Still, it took a long time to accept, I am a good person after all – Satan wants us to feel isolated and alone. God is in togetherness.

God is in togetherness.

 

The strongest prayer I ever had was when my son was dying.

Heavenly Father accepted my offering and I’ve never held anything back ever since then.

Poured out every ounce of energy every day, earnestly living for others.

Now, most of the times I sing in my prayers.

When the pain becomes overwhelming, words can’t be formed, my soul only can sing. I learned it from others who went through the unexplainable. Like surviving the genocide in Rwuanda. Still trusting in God, still fighting with unrighteously caused hurt. God helped me to learn this and I’m grateful for this, too.

I am grateful for so many things.

I am grateful for everything.

 

I have never wanted to accept we are all meant to be alone at the end – despite the world’s best efforts to convince us.

But I can’t see how it will turn out.

I feel trapped and in many aspects I am. That is also the trust God can give: a chance to grow by doing something unprecedent, unimaginable.

Wouldn’t call it faith, though.

It’s a fact. Knowledge. Truth in my core.

God has never been in the books. He has always been in the life of those who acted upon their conscience. The ones who accepted without any conditions. The pure hearted ones.

 

I’m still wearing my Blessing ring.

It’s the symbol of my promise to God about me not giving up.

Just it hurts miserably.

For sure, it’s beyond every logic – but it’s a path to follow Jesus, it’s a path to pave for others, to have their life easier. It’s for my children and my spiritual children, too.

Can I be abundantly happy evermore?

Not sure.

On the one hand, I am successful and accepted in almost every aspects in life – except the conjugal relationship.

It’s a contradiction: Heaven is formed in pairs.

So, can a pastor date?

Sure. The world is a big place, seen tons of things.

Can this pastor date?

Nope. He made a promise to God.

Does it hurt?

Yes.

Makes sense?

In a way absolutely no.

Still, it’s a rejoice in Heavenly Parent.

 

 

Be Blessed and Wise!

 

 

Joshua Dragon

When the world falls onto your shoulders

When the world falls onto your shoulders

And there is nobody to help

You feel conflicted and alone

Neglected, abused

 

You would grasp some air to inhale

But just the scent of failures

Fills your lungs and mind

No escape day or night

 

There is no-one else to trust

You’ve betrayed yourself, too

More than enough

Now you really need a hug

 

Just look around

What you can see

Is not real

Just pretended fear

 

Since He is here

To support you

He is here

To elevate you

 

God is your friend in need

God is your parent in need

God answers you

When you’re in need

 

All the pains and sorrow

Just trials to make you whole

To get rid of the past’s

Haunting demons

 

It’s you who matters

And your actions speak

You decide Heaven or Hell

Where you want to live

 

 

Joshua Dragon

 

You never wanted me

You never wanted me

Just my illusion

A painted shade

On the wall of lovers

 

Our game was meant to be life

We took it too seriously

And went too far

By now separately

 

Words cannot be trusted

There is no more wisdom to earn

Mistaken patience paralyzed

And stopped us to grow

 

Togetherness is an ideal

Not meant to be reached

For those who are abandoned

And live in broken dreams

 

I’m relieving to take a breath

That’s all I have left

Enough to be a good man

And find a kind of happiness

 

 

Joshua Dragon

SMM Quotes – 241

“When you are sick and in pain, it means that somewhere in your body the normal harmony or balance is broken. Something invaded and upset it, causing a reaction to eliminate the disruptive element. That is why you feel pain. The universal repelling force operates in your body to drive away the foreign invasion and sickness, and the struggle between the two produces the sensation of pain. When somebody hits you, you feel pain from that invasion. That pain motivates you to do something to protect yourself.” – Reverend Sun Myung Moon

Drifting

There is a black hole in me

Without singularity

Fragments of life

Say me goodbye

Unreliable memories

Drifting in space

Who could be

You

Wasted me

I can’t embrace

The dead

Any more

Where would you be

If I were still alive

For you

Where would you be

If I were still there

I cannot be

The scent of your garden

Is broken history

 
I’m lonely and lost

I have everything I don’t need

 

 

Joshua Dragon

(from the “Break-up Therapy”)

Now, I am free (Separate togetherness)

I’ve walked on a long, cold, muddy road
I’ve thought light is in your hand you hold
But there was only shades of the night
I became empty, ran out of life

 

You were my temple, religion
You were hope and future illusion
But just lies and grand dellusions
You won freaking, rigged game of yours

 

Now I am empty
Now I am free
Now I can feel
eternity

 

I’m still on the cross, don’t get me wrong
I’m bleeding through all my bloody, deep holes
But I choose to be here, you see
I’m breaking the cycle of endless vanity

 

You can see the world as it goes
You can play your dreams in rabbit holes
You won’t be who you could be
If you don’t look farther than your pain

 

Now I am empty
Now I am free
Now I can feel
eternity

 

We are different galaxies
We have whole different needs
We say and claim different truths
We shall see beyond or lose

 

Now I am empty
Now I am free
Now I can feel
without you
eternity

 

 

Joshua Dragon

(from the “Break-up Therapy”)

My Broken Heart is Nothing Compared to Yours, Father!

A prayer when words are too heavy to speak…

Prayers for Everybody

My broken heart is nothing compared to your, Father!

Walking halfway in the Sunset Avenue of this life

Where happiness seems to be barren just like the barks of the trees

Where the light is present but can not warm that much any more

As memories are fading and the void is getting stronger

As the mind of brilliance is becoming more normal

As all the deeds are recategorized by self-doubts

And I feel the era of joy and abundant love

Will never greet me again

And the anger is growing and visible

Towards those who are acting against Your love

People, just like me

Father,

The pain is excruciating

But the numbness is death

I can feel my own pitiness

I wonder how You can still trust me

I wonder how you can still bear the pain of agony.

Your hope in us

Your hope in me

Must be…

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Have you ever been broken?

Have you ever been broken
Have you ever felt the fear
Have you ever become lonely
in a sudden, unexpected way

Have you ever been shaken
Have you ever felt betrayed
Have you ever become bitter
in a sudden, unexpected way

Have you ever been non-existent
Have you ever felt worthless
Have you ever become a silent scream
in a sudden, unexpected way

Have you ever been lost
Have you ever felt mislead
Have you ever become a runaway
in a sudden, unexpected way

I wish I had the strength
to pray

 

Joshua Dragon

God and I

As I Can See

I was hiding

my own emotions
feelings of the unwillingness
promises of the never-known

who embraced me
in the depths of despair
shades of agony
and grieving days?

He was always there
here in me
even I never
recognized Him

He just stayed
no matter what
convincing me
I was worthy

He became my parent
an absolute being
waiting and teaching
to resemble Him

Even now
when I mute my heart
with swinging deeds
between good and less

He is here
silently bearing
all the tears
of joy and sorrow

Now I am in light
and the shadows
will disappear in me
and one day

I will be with Him.

JD

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